Here I am, writing in the aftermath of the Chinese New Year. Gobbling up tons of 'ba kuas' and my hands like magnet, always drawn towards the red packets, receiving it with glee.

Speaking about Chinese tradition, I heard that on the 7th day of the Lunar New Year, it's everybody's birthday. One year older for everyone and seemingly a year of maturity added on to us. They call it 'Ren Ri', or literal translation, Man's Day.

Age. When we're younger, we wished we could be a little older. Like the movie '13 Going on 30', don't we all wish it happened at some point? And when we're a little older, I guess we would've wished we could turn back time.

But looking at where I am now, I really have no idea. It seemed I belong nowhere. Neither am I young enough to lead a carefree live and everyday's worry is just about today's homework and tomorrow's practical test.

Nor am I old enough to look back and being blessed with the gift of retrospect.

Stuck in a middle of a crossroad, it's not only an 'age' thing. A million and one question clouds my mind. No longer can I sweep it under the carpet like when I was younger and say 'leave it to when I'm a little older'. Neither can a time machine bring me forward and look at the present with hindsight.

I must live this moment, this so called 'young adult' moment. From now on, it's a one way road down to a place where your decision brings.


During CNY Visitation

2nd Auntie: Hey! How're you!? Gonna apply for university? Any girlfriends? Are you going to find a job? Economy looks bleak, eh?
Me: Well... I'm considering at the moment. Yes.... but life should be more than this....much more...

When?

"What do you want to be when you grow up?", the teacher would ask.

Kids around me about a meter tall would shout "Teacher!" and the other, "Lawyer!" and yet another classic "Doctor!!".

I thought the hardest part about the question then was what I wanted to do with my life.

[...]

"What do you want to be when you grow up?", again, but this time by those personality assessment people who visit schools preparing you for your choice of tertiary education.

Teenagers start rambling about which courses made the most money. "It's obviously business!", one would say, and another would retort, "It's the medical profession!" while the more 'intellectual' claims it to be actuary. 

I still thought to myself, “That’s a pretty tough question...”.

[...]

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”. Déjà vu. Clueless students at the end of A levels discuss among their graduated cohort. “Take engineering, it’s a steady professional degree”, one says while the other brings business school to the table, claiming it’s “the most versatile.” Consultant. Researcher. Accountant. Salesman. Hotelier.

Then I thought to myself, “when did I grow up?”

With the tracks leading down the smooth path of education, with ample distraction along the journey, I realised that while trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to do with my life, I missed all the signboards telling me how far I’ve come in life. I would speak to the person in charge of the highway of life and sue for not putting up clear signages.

When did I grow up?

When did a generation gap grow between me and youths raving about the latest PSP game as I shied away from those “childish” discussions?

When did the lingo split from going to school into lectures, tutorials, seminars, laboratories and project group meetings?

When did 10am become early, when 7.30am used to be make it or get sent to the discipline teacher’s office.

When did “what I want to do with my life” begin to demand an answer, and procrastination start to actually feel like a really, really bad idea.

Without realising it, adolescence has given way to adulthood. A word so foreign, yet not as foreign as “youth group”. Perhaps it’s time for me to get off this highway of life. The road which doesn’t seem to have any exits for crucial answers to be found. Before I reach adulthood, I swerve off the highway and crash. Stopping abruptly. Shocking. But needed.